After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Clifton
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
- June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men’s restrooms.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
- August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
- August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
- August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
- September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
- September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
- October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
- October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.
This was sent to me as a chain letter, it had me laughing, I hope you had the same response. All humor aside, a lot of men feel the same way about being forced to visit Wal-Mart with the significant other; the difference is that most men are not clever enough to make it an adventure that annoys the employees. I say hurray for Mr. Clifton and tell the wife that there is another Wal-Mart in the next town that you want to shop at. A year from now look for another post as to what Mr. Clifton has done lately to make his shopping more enjoyable!!